Archive for March 27th, 2007

I’m a Rocketman!

Tuesday, March 27th, 2007

From CNN.com:

Island Christian Leaders: Ban Elton John

PORT OF SPAIN, Trinidad (Reuters) — Pop singer Elton John should be banned from performing at a jazz festival in Tobago because his homosexuality could influence young people, some Christian leaders on the Caribbean island said Monday.

A group of Christian churches have failed to persuade the Tobago House of Assembly, which oversees the administration of the island, to join the call for a boycott of John’s appearance at the Plymouth Jazz Festival in late April.

But they said they would pursue the campaign against John, who married his partner David Furnish in Britain in 2005.

“We feel it can have a negative social impact. There are some who may not be sure of their sexuality and one has to be careful about how this can create impressions on impressionable minds,” pastor Terrance Baynes told Reuters Monday.

I agree with Pastor Baynes.  I went to an Elton John concert once, and now for the first time ever I’m ready to talk about my experience there.

I was in the crowd waiting for him to take the stage, and suddenly a large flag unfolded at the rear of the stage, and upon it was imprinted a huge rainbow.  Then Elton himself walked out to a podium which was placed center stage.  He raised his fist in the air and everyone chanted “Hail, Elton John!”

It was a very surreal experience.  Most of the crowd were wearing pink armbands and waving little rainbow flags in the air.  Those who weren’t wearing the armbands were ushured into tents along the side of the main stage by a militant looking bunch of guys called the “Pink Panthers.”  About an hour later they were returned to the audience looking a lot lighter-in-the-feet than they had before.  Many of them were holding hands.  Needless to say, they were all male.  For some reason, there were no females present.

I had escaped the clutches of the Pink Panthers by making my own pink armband before I arrived at the concert grounds.  I was also wearing a gas-mask to prevent me from catching the deadly and highly contagious virus commonly caught at Elton John concerts called “The Gay.” Someone I knew had gone to see Elton John previously and had told me what had happened to him.  His name was Frank, and before going to see Elton had made a life out of dating female strippers and drinking beer.  Now, he watches Barbara Streisand films and drinks Cosmopolitans.  I didn’t want to end up like him.

Anyway, with everyone successfully converted, the concert began.  I’m up relatively close to the stage so I have a pretty good view of the festivities.  Elton breaks into one of his more famous songs, “Crocodile Rock” and it looks like there’s a mosh pit about to form in front of the stage. 

I thought it was unusual to see people moshing at an Elton John concert.  Unlike Judas Priest (which, for some reason has the tents and the Pink Panthers at their shows, too) this wasn’t a metal show.  But, upon closer inspection I realized it wasn’t a mosh pit at all!  It was a bunch of guys dropping their pants and fondling each other.  I was shocked!  Never had I seen such a thing happen since I went to see Ellen Degeneres do her stand-up show and the girls in the front were doing some very unladylike things to each other.  I stayed to watch that one, though.

 At that point, I knew I had to get out of there.  I took off my armband, which was not the brightest move on my part, and headed for the exit gate.  Elton was just starting to croon”Rocketman” when I felt a firm hand on my shoulder.  I turned to see a large black man starting at me.  He was wearing a pink t-shirt, biker shorts and a pink beret.  I recognized him to be one of the Pink Panthers.  He grabbed my arm and dragged me toward a tent.

Now, I was in a state of panic.  He threw me in the tent, and ripped off my gas mask.  I was now fully exposed to “The Gay” virus.  I began to cry as my captor started to unbuckle his pants.  He was about to expose his gayness to me when my arm shot out and I punched him square in the jaw.  He stopped for a minute, and his face began to change.  His head got smaller, and turned green.  Suddenly scales started appearing all over his body.  He was distracted long enough for me to run out of the tent. 

I looked around, and realized that everyone was turning green and scaly. I was surrounded with these creatures reaching out to me and trying to capture me.  I had no chance, so I gave in….and lost consciousness.

I awoke strapped to a metal gurney of some sort.  There were this lizard-people all around me hissing and making funny noises.  Then one of them approached.  He was one of them, alright, wearing big sunglasses and a pink boa.  He spoke:

“Welcome to the Mothership.”

His voice was familiar, and it only took me a moment to realize who it was.  It was Elton!  Elton John was a gay Lizard-man!  I remained silent, scared out of my mind, and he spoke again:

“I am the Rocketman.  I come from planet Fagotia, and we have come here to take over your planet!  Our weapon is the drug we call ManLove!”

He pulled out a syringe and stabbed me with it.  I knew it was over.  I had been infected with The Gay.  I was doomed to a life of lusting after other men.

He looked at the monitors I was hooked up to, concerned.

“Nothing seems to be happening,” he said, “He is immune!  We must get rid of him and wipe his memory clean! Brothers Halford and Mercury, get the Memory-Wiper machine!”

They did as they were asked, and hooked me up to what seemed like an EKG machine.  I witnessed a big flash, and then woke up in my bed, not remembering anything that transpired the night before.

The moral of the story:  Don’t let your kids listen to Elton John or they might catch “The Gay.”